Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
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The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Risking my life for fun.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne