amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
You Might Also Like
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought