“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.