My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
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interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Going to church you guys need anything
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one