Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
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I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Optional boss fight.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”