Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
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sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
when you are just born a rebel
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter