CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
You Might Also Like
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
classic mixup
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.