when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
You Might Also Like
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza