Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
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“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.