Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
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Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.