I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
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Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Love is in the air fryer.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.