Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
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Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
My dress code is business-casualty.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.