This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
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You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.