You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
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Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started