We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
You Might Also Like
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Dolls on drugs
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣