[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
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“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
2022 will be better than 2021
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.