FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
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[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”