I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
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Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
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