is this a threat
You Might Also Like
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
hey, alexa
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!