[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
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We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
BRAKING NEWS!!
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.