Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
You Might Also Like
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face