single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
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Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.