Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
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The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Botany good plants lately?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
(more comics:
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”