Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
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A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
whatcha thinkin bout
Cannot stop laughing at this
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search