There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
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ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend