Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
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on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I’m not stressed
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?