Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
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people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*