Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
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Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
🤣🤣🤣
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.