During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
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My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
this came to me in a vision
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
The Onion called it…again.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”