Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I’m not wrong
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind