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Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
She: I like Cats
He:
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Eat…
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.