Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
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I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
The pasta is now
describing stardew valley
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
He took my last fry, your honor