“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
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*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies