After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
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When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice