drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
That’s no pocket rocket.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.