1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
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My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.