I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
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Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.