You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
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The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Meow?
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.