Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
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When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
just witnessed a drug deal
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
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Morningbreath
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??