[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I’ve been drinking.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Oh no
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan