Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.