Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever