For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
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Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].