Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
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I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”