Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
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Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.