How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
You Might Also Like
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Not today. 😅
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)