Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
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My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”