me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
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we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not