Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
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[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!