[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
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nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.